No Easy Exit with Cohabitation, Says Report

No Easy Exit with Cohabitation, Says Report

Looks like “testing the waters” is an epic fail.

Author : Christelyn Karazin

Author's Website | Articles from

Christelyn is married with four children.

This again, confirms what has been my own experience as well as everyone else I know who has “played house.”

From USA Today

For young couples who have never been married, cohabiting may seem like a hassle-free way of testing a relationship before tying the knot. And for those who already have been through a divorce, who have children or other significant assets, cohabiting may seem like a way to avoid costly legal entanglements if the relationship doesn’t work out.

More and more, such couples’ assumptions are mistaken.

“They have to do everything they’d have to do in a divorce, except maybe not legally, to separate their lives,” says Janet Laubgross, a clinical psychologist in Fairfax, Va. “They’ve built a life together. They have to divide friends. They’ve got to divide property. There are a lot of strong emotions — anger, bitterness, resentment. It’s very similar to divorce.”

——

A study published online in February in the Journal of Family Issues, based on interviews and focus groups involving 192 people in their late 20s, found marked gender differences.

Women generally saw cohabitation as a transition to marriage, while men used terms such as “test drive” to determine whether there was potential for a longer-term relationship.

Women used “love” as a reason to live together three times as often as men did, while men cited “sex” as a reason to live together four times as often as women did, the study found.

Read full story here.

 

 

 

Like this post? Share it!


Related Posts


User Comments


  1. Noctem
    May 13, 2011

    Hi,

    Just out of question, why should a man get married? It seems like a considerable risk, given that his children can be taken from him if his wife is “bored” or “wants to find herself”. Marriage is not a commitment from a man’s point of view, and is actually a liability, in that he can be prevented from raising his children and can lose a large amount of his assets and future income.

    Interested in hearing your opinion. It does seem like most women would like to be married, but in this case, the man holds most of the cards and there is absolutely no incentive for him to sign a piece of paper giving half of his stuff to his lover.

    Reply


  2. Noctem
    May 13, 2011

    Just to clarify, I support the goal of this movement. Children definitely do best in a two-parent household. It just seems like you are trying to sell marriage to women, which frankly, isn’t a hard sell at all. Women generally benefit from a very large increase in wealth from the legal agreement, which they keep in the event of a divorce. In addition, many women fantasize about weddings, marriage, romance, and children. Most women are also very aware that both they and their children will have a better life if they are married.

    After reading a bit more, I notice that interracial marriage is being promoted. I don’t think this is very realistic or achievable on the large scale (http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/), as the US census indicates (although I am happy that you found love in your interracial relationship). To be blunt, most black women are going to have to marry black men if they want to be married at all. Since many black women would like the benefits of marriage anyways, it is necessary to convince black men of the No Wedding No Womb message, not women.

    I hope you understand my message, and I support you in your endeavors. Fatherlessness is a massive problem in our community, which isn’t being addressed.

    Reply


    • JoeClyde
      June 3, 2011

      Everything you state about incentives for men getting married is correct. But some make the sacrifice. If your goal is to build a community, and a legacy.

      I believe if you are going to have kids. You should raise them in a two parent household. Ideally. But if we think globally, and act locally. We need more stable households to improve the Black Community as a whole, and the plight of Black people in America. This will only benefit our children in the long run.

      I understand that there is this push for White men with Black women, and saying the Black Community to BWE women is a curse word. But that is just the reality. It is bigger than just us, and what we will lose.

      Now if we could only get the men and women on the same page. That would be a great feat.

      Reply


  3. Lynn
    May 15, 2011

    Noctem,

    You’re an idiot and I can’t believe your comments were allowed through on this forum. If you feel the need to ask such elementary stupid questions, go back to school and stay out of grown folks’ conversations.
    This blog really needs to be moderated, which is why I suspect the interest and comment feedback has been going down. I love the NWNW idea, but we do not need to give trifling azz men (most likely Black men) another forum for their trifling azz viewpoints. This is why the OOW rate is so high in our communities.
    Btw, just like Christyln, I’m a BW who is in a happy long term IRR relationship. It can and is being done.

    Reply


    • thirtythoughts
      May 19, 2011

      Lynn,

      I don’t feel Noctem’s questions or thoughts warranted your abrasive reaction. I agree with his statements in that no wedding, no womb (a great organization) is preaching to the choir. It is not Black women who don’t want to get married, it’s Black men. Encouraging Black women to think “outside the box” in terms of interracial dating is great, but at the end of the day, you’re attracted to what you’re attracted to, and many Black women are simply not attracted to men of other races. I personally have dated White and Hispanic men, but at this point, would not seriously consider marrying either.

      Moreover, the system IS skewed. Having worked in family law, and had male friends and family members who have suffered greatly because they were treated unfairly by our legal system, I think his concerns about marriage, from a male perspective, are valid and warranted. However, what he fails to point out is that the same system exists outside of marriage. So, regardless of whether you are married or not, if you choose to have children out of wedlock, those concerns about how he will be treated by our judicial system remain the same.

      Lastly, I also agree that there ARE few incentives for a man to marry. These days, he can get sex whenever and however he wants it without any commitment. Such is life as we know it, and it’s only getting worse.

      Reply


  4. Noctem
    May 16, 2011

    Lynn,

    I understand that my questions may seem sophomoric to you, but they did not justify name-calling. I feel that they were legitimate, and if they have obvious answers would you please enlighten me. I would love to encourage black men to marry, but when my friends tell me all of the reasons they won’t marry I cannot argue. Addressing these issues will do more to fix OOW births than ignoring one half of our race.

    I did not say that IRR are impossible. I am a BM in one myself. However, it is a simple fact that most people, men and women, prefer to date within their own race, likely because shared culture is so important for compatibility. To deny that most hispanics intermarry, most blacks intermarry, most whites intermarry, etc… is simply unrealistic. If we want to fix OOW births we must be pragmatic and level-headed. IRR are very possible, but they will never be the choice of the majority of people, of any race.

    And please, I am sorry if I appear idiotic, but I really need to know this. Why should men get married under the current legal definition of marriage? Men and women both seek commitment, but men cannot get it under current laws. A woman may unilaterally file a no-fault divorce and get almost everything.

    Please, before you insult me, understand what I am saying. Losing your children is possibly the most painful thing any human being can go through. Please be empathetic to this. A man can lose his children for “no-fault”. He can be a good man and father and not be able to parent, hold, or talk to his own children just because a wife is unhappy. That pain, combined with losing your future income (which stops you from moving on and starting a new family), is simply too strong to make marriage worth the risk. I am a christian black man and for me, having a family is very important. However, even I am reluctant to marry my girlfriend (I told her I would do the ceremony, but not sign the paper), because I realize I risk losing everything I hold dear if she decides, ten years later, that I am not needed.

    If we don’t address these concerns, and allow men to have a guaranteed position in their own families, men simply won’t start traditional families. Selling marriage and family life to women is easy, they have all the rights and already want these things for the most part. Men mostly want children, but have no legal rights to them. As for companionship, a girlfriend offers that as well as a wife does.

    Thank you for listening. I am not trying to be rude or “trifling azz”, as you so eloquently put it.

    Reply


  5. Browncow
    May 18, 2011

    Thank you Christelyn for letting this person’s comments through. It certainly teaches a great lesson. The first being that this guy is talking down about marriage because he feels that as a man he stands to lose everything if the relationship doesn’t work out. Secondly, he’s telling BW that deciding to date and marry interracially with men who are proven (meaning the majority) to marry their significant others regularly is unrealistic and that BW should just stick with BM. Mind you this guy is NOT married and also NOT with a BW. WTF is he doing here telling BW that they should simply stick with the same crap that’s keeping them single mothers? Not only that, this fool is not even planning to marry his non-Black girlfriend. He doesn’t want “that piece of paper” and to protect the woman he claims to love and any future children he may have with her by giving her the honor of becoming a wife and honoring his seed and future children by giving them a solid home. And he calls himself a Christian. He’s also admitted that his friends see no reason to get married. This is great stuff. He’s a walking billboard for BW to raise their standards (not meaning racially, I’m talking about socially, two different things) and leaving these non-reciprocating men right where they need to be. Same story, different race of women. These types of men will come up with any excuse not to care for their women or children. It’s just a lame ass excuse from a lame ass male.

    Reply


    • Christelyn Karazin
      May 18, 2011

      And…bingo. That’s why I sometimes let this stuff come through, so people can see for themselves.

      Reply


  6. futureshock
    May 22, 2011

    Noctem,

    I don’t understand why you think marriage puts a man at risk of losing his children. Do you think unwed fathers have more rights to their children than married fathers?

    Reply


  7. Lynn
    May 22, 2011

    Most of the commenters here need to get Khadija’s book “The Sojourner’s Passport”. In it she makes a great argument on not giving the mike to dissenters and people like Noctem who infiltrate with an agenda. She articulates a lot better than I can why an idiot like Noctem should not be allowed to comment on sites dedicated to changing the collective circumstances of BW.
    NWNW is advodcating that BW/BGs have their children in wedlock. That is the fundamental tenent this blog is based on. NWNW is here to support a better life for the next generation. AAW have the highest oow rates, the highest STD rates, and the lowest wealth accumulated in the US. All of these are connected. Children from a two parent households fare better statistically speaking in all areas of life. This is a no brainer.
    To let an idiot like Noctem come on one of the few sites that promotes a healthier course for bw/bgs is stupid. Noctem has many other bw bashing forums to leave his poison. Noctem has many other groups/organizations/blogs/people he can comment on but he chooses a site that is supposed to be a ‘safe’ haven for bw. BW/BGs do not need to come to a ‘safe’ site to hear the same shyt that’s being blasted everywhere else.
    Obviously Noctem and others like him/her are threatened by bw coming together to improve our circumstances. This fool is not married to or dating a BW. Why should he be here on our site? Why is he spending so much time trying to disrupt our conversations about marriage and IR dating? WHy does he care? If a man is not (honorably)dating/engaged/married to a BW he needs to sfu and mind his own business. We bw need to start actively shutting fools like this down. By posing his ‘viewpoint’ as a legitimate ‘question’, Noctem is using obsfucating tactics to derail this conversation. And it has worked–again. This is why I rarely read or comment on this site. IMO, this site barely skims the surface in its discussions on life damaging choices bw are making. The best thing this site can do is prominently display links to true BWE sites.

    Reply


    • Christelyn Karazin
      May 22, 2011

      First “Lynn” this is not a BWE site…this is a site dedicated to finding solutions to the out-of-wedlock problem in the black community. Your trollish comment is as bad as Noctem’s, in my opinion. THIS site is geared to men and women, black, white, red, yellow or purple with pink polka dots, ANYONE, ANYONE who will acknowledge this problem.

      Believe me–I don’t let everything through (a comment advocating eugenics comes to mind) but I’m not here to silence questions (no matter how dumb) that continue the conversation, debate, and awareness of this issue. Sometimes, ignorance on display is the BEST to communicate the message.

      After all, that’s why I let your comment stand.

      Reply


      • Lynn
        May 22, 2011

        Touche! :-) It’s also incredibly ignorant to state marriage has no benefits to men when there are countless studies that prove otherwise. BM are the ONLY men who spout that garbage en masse. BM are the only men who constantly voice concern over material assets over the welfare of the children they father.

        Noctem: Just to clarify, I support the goal of this movement. Children definitely do best in a two-parent household….

        Noctem: Fatherlessness is a massive problem in our community, which isn’t being addressed….

        Noctem: Marriage is not a commitment from a man’s point of view, and is actually a liability, in that he can be prevented from raising his children and can lose a large amount of his assets and future income

        Noctem has basically said: “Hey ya’ll, I support having children within marriage. I recognize the value in having two parents raise children who are productive members of society. However, my children’s future and their children’s future is not as important as my personal wealth and comfort.”

        What could be more ignorant?
        BM are the only men who do not marry en masse. The world’s most powerful and influential men overwhelmingly choose to have children in marriage. Now we know there are exceptions to this rule, but this is how most men behave. Where do BM stand in comparison to other men? It’s stupid to spend more time arguing over this basic fact of life. Most people around the world in all cultures advocate marriage and would shout down Noctem’s comments.
        Black people are the only ones who argue over the same dumb-azz point all the time. While other peopele are busy building families, communities, and businesses to enrich those same familes and communities.
        When a site markets themselves as expressing concern over BW/BGs’ circumstances; then states in their title having children within marriage as one of those solutions, then you have promoted yourself as an advocate for BW/BGs. You don’t have to call yourself a BWE site, but you do promote NWNW as an ‘uplifting’ site for bw/bgs. So, it can be inferred a site as NWNW to have similiar goals to BWE sites.
        Therefore, when a bg comes onto this site for the first time and reads comments like Noctem’s, which reinforces the current status quo, and see it defended and given consideration as a valid viewpoint, there is a direct contradiction.
        You can call me trollish or not for stating the obvious. You would never see a Black panther advocate given a chance to air their views on a white supremacist forum. But Black people always allow anyone, no matter how ignorant the viewpoint, ‘space’ to derail the conversation. I realize this is your site and you will run it how you feel.
        For the record, I support NWNW concept. I support BW marrying and raising children with the best mate possible. How many public forums are in support of this? Very, very, few. Therefore we should not waste the few forums that are in support of marriage by having derailing conversations/comments.

        Reply


        • Immaculate_Weirdo
          May 25, 2011

          “Therefore we should not waste the few forums that are in support of marriage by having derailing conversations/comments.”

          Lynn your final comment was great and I am happy that you see it that way. Hopefully, you will practice what you preach and have a little more tact.

          Reply


        • JoeClyde
          June 3, 2011

          He doesn’t speak for or resplendent all Black men. As I would never mistake your comments for all Black women.

          Reply


        • JoeClyde
          June 3, 2011

          *Represent

          Reply


    • JoeClyde
      June 3, 2011

      Sounds like a cult leader. God forbid a person listens to all views, and thinks for him/herself.

      Reply


  8. Lynn
    May 22, 2011

    Noctem: Marriage is not a commitment from a man’s point of view, and is actually a liability, in that he can be prevented from raising his children and can lose a large amount of his assets and future income.

    I beg to differ:

    http://www.usatoday.com/life/lifestyle/2010-01-19-1Amarriage19_ST_N.htm

    http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/new-economics-how-marriage-can-benefit-men-financially/index.aspx

    http://www.thefamuanonline.com/opinions/researches-proven-that-marriage-is-more-benefitial-to-men-than-women-1.2152629

    Reply


  9. thirtythoughts
    May 23, 2011

    Lynn,

    I think the problem is that you don’t know how to debate without name-calling. Everyone is not going to agree with you and calling Noctem out of his name is not the solution. Perhaps this is why you’re still single.

    If NWNW was only “for Black women,” it would defeat the purpose of having such a site. Engaging in intelligent discussion with Black men, like Noctem, may make them realize that their feelings about marriage are flawed, and could possibly bring about the desired change. It is unproductive for a bunch of angry BW, like you, to sit around confirming that there is in fact a problem.

    After all, churches don’t shut out non-believers because they are the ones that NEED to hear the message. Otherwise, like I said before, you’re just preaching to the choir.

    Reply


  10. Ari
    June 15, 2011

    Noctem,

    I can somewhat understand your viewpoint, but I do not agree with you. At times, it may not always seem beneficial to men if they marry because courts do lean towards the woman slightly, and no-fault divorces make getting divorced and taking half of someone’s stuff all the more easier. However let’s be honest, even if you forgo the legal marriage that does not mean you are not going to have some sort of financial loss or lose custody of your children. Cohabiting is not the solution to the problem. And if to a man marriage is a liability as you put it, then it would be just as fair to say that to a woman cohabiting, children OOW, and premarital sex are just as dangerous for us. If your fear is so great that it is keeping you from entering a marriage then may I suggest a prenuptial agreement. These have actually been around since biblical times when ancient Jews (and they’re still around today in Judaism, Christians should take note) drew up ketubah that protected both men and women both during their marriage and in the event of a divorce. These legal documents fully lay out what is expected of both wife and husband when it comes to fidelity, family/gender roles in the and out of the home that are to be observed, sexual relations, children, and financial issues. There is no valid reason for not marrying other than not wanting personal responsibility to another human being.

    Reply