Marriage Is the New Poop Word ~ by Lisa Mason [Event Post]

Marriage Is the New Poop Word ~ by Lisa Mason [Event Post]

Heaven forbid that you “offend” single mothers or suggest that it’s better for a child to have two good parents instead of one.

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By Lisa Mason
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I was not surprised that there was some resistance to the No Wedding, No Womb movement. Mentioning the “crazy” idea that one should wait until after marriage to have children will have some people ready to chase you with torches and pitchforks and burn you at the stake.

Heaven forbid that you “offend” single mothers or suggest that it’s better for a child to have two good parents instead of one.

(I stress the word good – some folks will try to insist that one good parent is better than two bad ones, but they get very quiet when you say that two good parents are better than one good one!)

However, a reasonable critique is coming from a group that is often forgotten in such discussions. There are a growing number of single, childless black women in their late 30s and above who tried to do everything right.

They went to college, got a good job, bought a home, traveled and learned to depend on no one but themselves. As for a husband, they were told to do all of the above, and Mr. Right would be right around the corner.

Except he never came.

And now, these women are left to consider single motherhood – either through adoption, sperm donation or just calling up a “friend” to help out – or not having children at all.

Understandably, these women feel that No Wedding, No Womb doesn’t take into account their unique struggle. But their situation doesn’t negate the importance of the NWNW message – what it can do is help create a dialogue in which NWNW encourages younger generations of black women approach family planning in a more productive way that will lead to happy marriages and children born into those relationships.

Family planning is more than just pregnancy prevention. Perhaps that’s the problem – we have not been taught to see family planning as a much larger action that begins from the time we start dating.

Marriage is a right and a privilege. Every other group of women in this country expects to marry – if that is their choice – and don’t feel that finding a husband to father their children is akin to hitting the lottery. No black woman should ever feel that she might not ever get married because of statistics or because a misguided woman in her family told her to be “independent” and be “bad by herself” because she shouldn’t ever depend on a man.

No black woman should listen to anyone who fails to give her sound advice about dating and mate selection and simply says she should only “wait on God,” or “do nothing.” Marriage has never “just happened” – it occurs when families promote the importance of the institution to their children and those close to them and work to ensure that their children select the right mates.

Marriage-minded communities do not leave one of the most important decisions a person could ever make to mere chance or a belief that God is a cupid-like figure that “sends a man” when you’re “ready.”

It is inexcusable that college-aged black women and black women in their 20s are already preparing to be alone and planning for single motherhood. It is heartbreaking for a 25-year-old to talk about how she’s investigating adoption or sperm donation so that she can make a decision about parenthood if she’s still single by 30.

That’s not a criticism of adoption. Not at all. It’s a criticism of the fact that our community has failed our women by sending the message that having a family that includes a husband is not something that they should expect as black women. Maybe white, Asian and Hispanic women can expect that, but not us.

No more.

Young black women, use your time wisely. Don’t get caught up hanging on to Mr. Wrong at age 25 because you fear being alone, and wasting time you could be using to meet Mr. Right. So many single black women in their late 30s and early 40s have stories of spending five or more years with a man who didn’t want to marry them, or going the same amount of time without going on ONE date with a man.

Learn that it’s okay to go out on dates and that your relational life is just as important as getting a degree and a good job. If you learn how to choose men based on the likelihood that they will be good husbands and fathers, and not how much “swag” they have or how “fine” they are, your dating life should not be full of drama and strife. A man does not have to “ruin your life,” as all those older women told you. The right man will enhance it.

Black men are not your only option. Having a preference for black men is perfectly fine and normal, but it’s disturbing that so many black women are sacrificing their own dreams of marriage and family because a certain percentage of black men aren’t going along with the program or wanting to wait to marry until many black women are reaching the end of their childbearing years.

Black women are letting nameless, faceless black men they don’t even know set the course of their lives by not actively seeking out wives – don’t let your dreams be sacrificed on the altar of “waiting” because your black prince never came along.

“No Wedding, No Womb,” is about choosing wisely. “No Wedding, No Womb” is about black women taking control of their bodies, their lives and their futures. We set the course of our lives by acting in our best interest – and for those of us who want to be married and have a family, our best interest is to plan for marriage with the same zeal and care we do with our education and careers.

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User Comments

  1. Ralph Kenol
    October 4, 2010

    This was a great post. As I read more and more of these posts I’m beginning to realize that there are a lot of people that are just writing to feel like they are saying something or trying to deny the issues that they are dealing with. Everything in this post in absolutely true and incontrovertible. The other thing is everybody knows this. Please keep doing what you’re doing!!!


  2. POAndrea
    October 5, 2010

    “Family planning is more than just pregnancy prevention. Perhaps that’s the problem – we have not been taught to see family planning as a much larger action that begins from the time we start dating.”==BEAUTIFUL and TRUE!!


  3. Dwina
    November 29, 2010

    The institution of marriage was created by God and is the standard for all trying to live clean and decent lives. All women including black women should strive to make this a part of their vision no matter what the statics say about the marriage rate for black woman.

    Women that insist on marriage are the ones that get married. If you continue with a man and you don’t ask the hard questions regarding his intentions toward you, whether he believes in marriage, what his family goals are, what traits he envisions in a suitable mate etc, then you are setting yourself up for heart break after several years of service to him. As much as possible for the percentage of black women who do this you should not rush into sexual intercourse in dating relationships in your pursuit of a mate. Yes, you will have many that will leave but understand they were leaving anyway. The saying is true …if a man really loves you, which is what you want, he will wait for sex and marry you. You are not a car …you don’t need to be test driven.

    The amount of negative media on the internet and other media toward black women and African American relationships is startling to say the least. I believe it is designed to make black women and men think the only relationships they are able to have are shallow and of a sexual nature…which is a lie from the pit of hell! I pray the black family does not believe the hype. We are capable of loving one another and having successful relationships that includes marriage. Stats are just what they are and include a large volume of error. They have generally not asked everyone their status etc…think about it … A lot of us are getting married in our 20’s. Some of us are getting married after 40; some black women are getting married with children from previous relationships. Some black families are starting their families with no children. All black men are not studs or womanizers. All black women are not promiscuous. Some of us are celibate until marriage. From all of the negative press regarding African Americans one would not know this.

    Black women hold on to your vision of marriage and insist on it! Enjoy your relationships but be realistic. Write down what you need in a relationship and measure your mate against it. If he does not measure up to your set standards, if he does not believe in marriage, if he does not want to marry you, if he does not want to court only you, if he is not sexually responsible …if he has no spiritual life or for believers in Jesus Christ…the Word of God…run! Let him go…the sooner you get the wrong man out of your life you have a chance to meet the right one! Develop yourself mentally and spiritually. Follow the Ten Commandments minimally they will protect you. There is a reason why so many want to discourage you and destroy the black family recognize your strength and power. Keep a positive mind set! As stated in Proverbs 23:7 for as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Your thoughts form your reality…If they are negative your reality will be negative. Be content and enjoy your life in the mean time …as stated in Philippians 4:11…for I have learned in whatever state I am , to be content:…and don’t forget to ask the Lord for what you want have faith that you will receive it! Philippians 4:6 states: Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

    Stay encouraged my beautiful African American sisters and brothers our families and relationships are being restored and renewed in the name of Jesus! Amen.