Demita Usher:”I don’t want to marry you , I just want to hang out with you and chill.”

Demita Usher:”I don’t want to marry you , I just want to hang out with you and chill.”

Are men interested in “courting” anymore?

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Demita Usher, What’s New, Betty Boo

(Come on, work with a brotha)


After a colleague asked on her facebook page if it is acceptable to accept the invitation of a man she just met to “chill” and “hang out” I was inspired to post on my facebook page the following  statement:

When a  man asks you to “hang out” or “chill”, in real talk that means

 he is either too broke to take you out on a date, or he  is to lazy and cheap 

and does not want to waste mouthwash and aftershave on you to take

you out on a real date.  Pizza and Netflix is NOT a real date.

A flood of “likes”  and supportive responses from my female friends came in as well as  defensive responses from Ed and Sean two of the men among my FB friends. They were attempting to explain that limited resources coupled with the fact that we women are just way too greedy and way too demanding is the real reason why men want to “hang out” (yeah RIGHT). Ed tried to be diplomatic in his response but he defended the men wanting to hang out over dating because they use it as a weeding out process to see if the women they associate with are only after their money; this response in my opinion is B.S. because many of these guys do not have the money that should  inspire such a “test” of the woman’s motive!!!   Sean on the other hand reacted with alot of anger and hostility towards the post. He attacked some of my female friends, using disgusting wording and disrespect, and when I asked him to stop he continued the attack he would not and I decided to pull the feed and block Sean. Pondering  the exchange that took place, I could not understand what made these men react  as if desiring to be courted and married is some horrendous crime against humanity. Ed responded to me that I presented the post as if women were perfect and have no failure to report in their interaction with men, that too was also untrue. The responses and defensive exchanges that took place demonstrated to me that they either did not understand or did not care to understand the messages I was trying to convey; women deserve to be courted and married and not be penalized and condemned for holding  standards that would prevent men from using them  without committing to them.
I never said women were perfect FAR FROM IT, I am well aware of our faults. I live with mine EVERY SINGLE DAY; however, women who carry themselves with DIGNITY and SELF RESPECT are often penalized by men because they want to be treated well and cherished like they should just accept scraps and treated like an afterthought. These men expect the women they interact with to overwhelmingly grateful for their non-existent efforts to treat them well as if pizza  and netflix is to be compared the finest restaraunts in town. Men contrary to popular belief are not stupid and what they VALUE they will treat with respect despite their financial standing. If they cannot afford to do alot for the woman they GENUINELY care about and see themselves building a life with, they will get CREATIVE so that they let her know they don’t want to lose her. I have two colleagues, William and Summer who met in college. They “hung out” more than they went on dates because of their limited budget, but William let Summer know UP FRONT he saw them building a life together, he wooed her, courted her, bought her little things on his college budget ( a 1 dollar rose, a song left on her voicemail, etc.), but he let her know she was IMPORTANT to him and not a sexual conquest to later be discarded of and that made the DIFFERENCE. Fifteen years later, they are STILL happily married with children born inside the marriage. Today if you interact with William and Summer you will see a couple still deeply in love and completely devoted to their family.

The point I was trying to make that KEPT getting missed by the men who argued, fought and disagreed on that post was  is that most men I see TODAY are not interested in “courting” a woman (not a little girl or an adult female, a WOMAN) they just want a piece of the pie. They just want to be cheap and lazy and there is no way around it. In ancient times, a man had to prove to a woman’s father that not only could he adequately provide for his daughter, but that he was making a public commitment to her. Bible figure Jacob who had no money and resources did the next best thing, HE WORKED for her HAND in marriage. He worked for 7 years (in compensation for her dowry) without so much as a warm handshake from his future wife Rachel and he did it willingly because he loved her. NO WEDDING, NO WOMB is a very ancient practice and one that needs to be re-instituted quick fast and in a hurry. Men today can do more than pizza or netflix, many Just don’t want to; they do not see the value of developing quality lasting relationships and only want instant gratification.
Let me emphasize I am not talking about men who have potential and are building their lives towards long term goals. A WISE WOMAN will see that and partner with him, believe in him and support him (like Michelle Obama) if they are meant to be together and IF he is reciprocating because another trap is some men will use one woman for what he needs and save his love and resources for the women he wants. I have seen plenty of that too; a man that will “date” a woman for years , sponge up all the love, sex, and support she is willing to give him then dump her when the woman he ‘Really” wants comes along. Many smart intelligent women have many of their good years on this type of lopsided arrangement to their detriment.

In some peoples opinion this may not be the best example I ask you to consider Lamar Odom of the LA lakers, he played around and impregnated his girlfriend of 10 years 3 times; he used her womb but gave her no wedding. On the other hand, he proposed to Kloe Kardasshian and married her within 60 DAYS of meeting her and SINGED HER PRE-NUP which stated he would pay a certain amount of money for every year they are married if it does not work out. THE POINT??? He wanted HER so he did what was needed to make her his WIFE not “kick it” with some vague outlook. Kloe demanded a full commitment, and Lamar gave her one.

Another example I want to present for the sake of the valuable lesson it represents involves Steve Harvey; I know the sentiment many women feel regarding his “act like a lady think like man” stance is not positive  but the story makes a valid point to this article.  Steve  and his father in law sat down with the young man one of Steve’s daughters had been dating for over a year and asked him what his intentions were. the young man responded “We are just kicking it, Mr Harvey.” Steve asked him again as did the grandfather what his plans were regarding his daughter, the guy gave the same answer with a chuckle. Steve asked his daughter later alone where she thought her relationship was going with him. She thought marriage was the direction of the relationship and Steve he called the young man in the room and made the young man tell the truth. She shortly thereafter ended the relationship, she thought they were building towards something, he was just playing around. Even Steve Harvey understood that “chilling” and “kicking it” was not in the best interest of his daughter and took measures to protect his daughter from possible years of wasted time and energy in a relationship that was not progressing towards a full commitment. Although she was an adult and could have continued the relationship, she wisely removed herself from the situation so that she could expand her options. “Just kicking it” was not in the cards for her; it was losing hand , she knew it and so did her father.
When it is all said and done, the demands of most women are not unreasonable in what they want from a good man; they want to be MARRIED, they want to be WIVES not an afterthought, they want to be loved and CHERISHED by a man they can RESPECT, TRUST and LOVE IN RETURN is that being so unreasonable?  Even Beyonce with all of her anthems on women being “independent” and  not needing a man to do well, in her personal life followed the NO WEDDING, NO WOMB principle to the letter; she dated her husband Jay-Z for many years before she married him, then she carefully planned when she would conceive her first child which was before her 30th birthday; and as of this writing , mission accomplished.

Ladies although NO WEDDING NO WOMB sounds like a radical idea, it is not it is even found in the DNA of nature, it is even evident in the animal kingdom.  A female eagle  will subject a male eagle to a series of test to see if he is adequate enough  to produce offspring with if he fails  any of the tests, she flies away. When she finds an eagle that passes the test, they being the mating process and build a nest together (he does not “kick” it at her nest!) and then a family. They raise their young to the point they must venture out on their own and the cycle of life begins all over again when they find mates of their own. If a bird has the insight to understand that not any male of her species will do when it comes to her future, then should not we have the same foresight?  The best way to work with a brotha is to fly away when he does not pass the test. It is not personal, it is about SURVIVAL!.


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