No Wedding No Womb – Well Intentioned, But Misguided
Black bloggers recently started a campaign dubbed “No Wedding, No Womb“, with the aim of promoting marriage in the so-called “Black Communityâ€. I think the effort is well intentioned. But like many causes in today’s Black culture, this appears to be misguided. I don’t think it will have much of an impact beyond twitter and the blogosphere with its current focus. The effort is only touching the surface of the problem. It is already facing resistance from Black women, especially from those who don’t want to accept the reality, reject the data and want to continue moving through the world, like zombies, maintaining the status quo. But then there are a few others who rightfully question the efficacy of the campaign.
Here are my thoughts – from the perspective of a Black man
I think the effort misses the core issues by a mile. While promoting the idea of marriage is a positive thing in general terms, it is not the main solution for the phenomenon of out-of-wedlock births & other problems facing so-called “Black Americaâ€. I have written before about Black women (and women more generally) falling in love with the idea of the marriage itself, rather than with their partners; and women being motivated for the wrong reasons to marry men who are not a good match. This problem seems to have come back again in this debate. The focus of the Black women who support this effort seems to be fixated on the idea that if they get married, all of their problems and the problems for the community will go away. They seem to be more concerned with flaunting the ring and the fact that they are married. Little attention seems to be placed on the quality of the man giving them the ring.
One of the main problems that young black women have is that many are terrible when it comes to picking good men or even knowing what qualities they should be looking for. To be frank, many (and this may be a byproduct of not having fathers around) have no idea how to choose a man…. And have no point of reference for even recognizing what a good family man looks like. This is the core of the matter ladies and gentleman. If you are getting a ring from a sleazeball… I don’t think being married on paper is going to help you much. If you are marrying a playboy, a deadbeat, a womanizer, a bum, a man who can’t hold down a job, a man with little education, a man with multiple children from several different women, a man in & out of the criminal justice system, a man involved in risky behavior, a man who isn’t responsible, a man who doesn’t really want to commit to you and who doesn’t have a sense of family values… then all of the rings and weddings in the world are not going to save you or the wider “Black communityâ€. That’s like gift wrapping a soiled diaper…. It’s still crap. The same goes for the kinds of relationships that many are suggesting should be bonded by marriage. The ring and marriage only serve as wrapping paper for garbage. It’s like the images of folks carrying looted TV’s in New Orleans during Katrina when there was no electricity and they needed food and water. There are a set of fundamental priorities in Black culture that will have to change. Black women have to take responsibility for their own choices. The Blacksnob, an extraordinary black woman and blogger pointed this out quite nicely, although indirectly – one of the few Black women online to do so. Many of the blogs run by Black women are sanctuaries for those who somehow clump all Black men together…and trash them all. But luckily there are a few who take the time to differentiate men from boys, educated men from the uneducated/less educated, the wayward player from the committed or family man, the thug from the Thomas DuBois or cleancut, and the deadbeats from the hardworking and responsible (although these men may not be in abundance).
THIS WRITER, A BLACK MAN, OFFERS SOME BRILLIANT SOLUTIONS. Â READ ENTIRE ARTICLE HERE
Mary Ann
Sir, I have a HUGE problem with your *** ENTIRE*** contribution to this forum! Based off the content, tone, and so called “solutions†you posited I’m convinced that YOU are a ***hostile*** enemy to ALL black women and girls.
Your ENTIRE essay is filled with ENDLESS insults, half truths, and aggression against black women and girls. You have abused this opportunity to reach out to black women and girls with COMPASSION, JUSTICE, and TRUTH as an opportunity to debase them and exact emotional revenge on black women empowerment bloggers and black women interracial advocate bloggers. You did a piss poor job of masking your hatred and enmity for black women in your watered down version of self-help. You didn’t even have an ounce of compassion to consider the young children that are actually reading this forum. You abused your power.
Specifically:
They seem to be more concerned with flaunting the ring and the fact that they are married. Little attention seems to be placed on the quality of the man giving them the ring.
>>>This is a poor generalization of which you have no proof. I respectfully disagree and would say that healthy minded, educated black women desire the partnership, companionship, protection, and provision OVER a million dollar ring. Many black women like other races of women long to experience motherhood. You are generalizing. Also, like other races of women black women have the same right to ask for a decently priced wedding ring or dowry.
Many of the blogs run by Black women are sanctuaries for those who somehow clump all Black men together…and trash them all.
>>>This is another generalization. You have submitted no evidence to substantiate such a claim. “Some†websites or blogs do this just like “some†blogs ( Black Men Vent) run by black men trash black women. Tit for tat IS NOT a solution. I believe the real issue is that some black men who feel entitled because of their gender, race, and status are angry with black women for exposing the psychological, sexual, physical, and economic abuse they have been subjected to by black males and their enablers. I believe the fear is that if other races read and believe the information ( which is often accompanied by proof) that will block black males from escaping the black community and the race it’s self. I also believe the issue black men are afraid that non-blacks will finally discover the low self-esteem, and self hatred they have for their own racial physiology. The same physiology that is used to gain access to athletic, and entertainment jobs.
Too many Black women see people like Beyonce (and others in Black urban circles- particularly in Hip Hop- and yes I hate them all), as their role models.
>>>Full of generalizations. I’m a black woman and I abhor rap, hip hop, alternative, and some pop music. In fact, the majority of the black women I know don’t listen that that type of music at all! I’m also a mother and my daughter doesn’t listen to that music either. I do agree that too many of our youth listen and follow these people but I’d be hard press to find a 35-55 year old with a two year degree plus that listens to that music.
But even when you date out, there is still the issue of knowing how to choose a good mate. It still applies. I am annoyed by the suggestion that some Black bloggers have made that dating white men automatically equates to dating better men. I know plenty of white men who are ____heads. But will the pool be better? In all likelihood yes. The trick is…. finding those men of other racial groups who will actually want you.
>>>Where is the “annoyance†when black men disparage, and debase us publicly when they are seeking non-black wives? Where is the out rage from black men who do this? I sense hypocrisy. Black men through their actions ( and some with their lips) have demonstrated to their non black wives and to black women that the non black woman IS better?
Look up the OKCupid survey that was done recently. This report looked at dating behavior online and broke down response rates by race. It wasn’t pretty for Black women. I will just say to that… it should be another red flag for Black women telling them that they may want to figure out why things are the way they are…why they get this kind of reaction.
>>>I’m sorry but I feel you are trying to “rub it†in our faces and humiliate us with this statement. I’m inter-culturally married and when I decided to get married I had no shortage of men applying for the position in my faith community. I was courted by Turkish, South East Asian, African, White, and Puerto Rican Muslim men. In fact I was even briefly courted by a professor at UDC. I had options. I was young, thin, and together. I had no problems. My only issues came from black women and men who felt that I should only marry our kind. The tone in this message implies that black women aren’t real women, that we are unfeminine and unfit. I’d like other young women to know that if a working class black girl from the Mid-West can do it so can you. Please don’t be discouraged. I was courted by men of all classes and various ethnic groups. While money was never my main objective, I married the one who didn’t believe that his job was use our religion as a weapon to beat me down or mettle in the affairs of women. I married someone who accepted me for who I was and I promise you that if you shift your thinking everything else will follow.
Mary Ann
I would also like to tell other young women and some adult women to be weary of others ( all races, religions, class tiers, etc) who try to take away your weapons to defend your self. It is perfectly normal human behavior to guard and protect your self. When I see essays that attack ALL black women empowerment bloggers and ALL black women interracial advocates I’m concerned. I don’t agree or support every practice or principle of theirs but generally they are trying to teach black women and girls how to protect themselves and avoid being soiled. YOUR survival is not about PRESERVING the black male ego or reputation: that’s their job. Most of those bloggers are trying to offer tools or strategies of advancement. I don’t care for ALL of them but I’m suspicious of anyone who attacks them that offers NO long term solutions. In my mind this is an enemy who is trying take away your ability to defend your self. RUN!
BTW, I remember this person used blog by the name The Angry Independent and always managed to say the most hateful and un-compassionate things about black women.
foreverloyal
Well, Mary Ann, somebody’s desperately trying to work a little sabotage. LOL.
He would be funny if he wasn’t so pathetic. Actually, he is a little bit funny. I guess I’m just mean.
Kam
Why do people keep saying this movement says that marriage solves all problems? I have no clue where that is coming from and I am convinced that the people making this accusation have not actually read the posts on NWNW or have a serious lack of reading comprehension. I’m hoping it’s the former. Or maybe it’s because so many people making the criticism aren’t married. I don’t think anyone who has ever witnessed or been in the best of marriages would say that marriage solves all problems. That very idea is laughable so it does not even come into play here.
Anthony
Sadly, I’m not amazed at you women making disparaging comments towards this man’s article. Amazingly, you all are so conditioned into “the mean black man” and “the victimized black woman” mindset that your comments, especially Mary Ann’s, fall right into line for this piece: Black women needing to take responsibility.
I’m a Black man, educated, and loving life…unfortunately, not minus the bs that comes gift wrapped with many so-called strong Black women who still don’t realize running around calling yourself independent doesn’t make you strong. If you are an adult, you are supposed to be able to take care of yourself..you get not special praise for that.
Now if this brother took the time out to emasculate himself, and continued the all too familiar barrage of insults, let downs and criticisms of Black men, you’d be all for it and calling him a genius Black brother that gets it. See, it’s funny how nobody can tell Black women anything, yet you continue to find yourselves single and/or in bad relationships…but let you tell it, it’s everyone elses fault –primarily Black men.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again: I prefer to spend my life with a Black woman, but I too will not settle…settle for women who are hardheaded, argumentative and feel a sense of entitlement for being doing nothing but waking up in the morning and being Black. Granted I have ZERO interest in White women, I can’t say that my eye for Asian and Latina women hasn’t developed.